THEN HOW YOU GONNA FIND OSAMA BIN LADEN?

Seriously. This is ridiculous. It’s time to admit she’s a big silly joke meant to put women in their place and move on. There really is no use defending her because you think it’s sexist to attack her. Uh, she probably can’t even find your state on a map. I’m pretty damn sure she can’t tell Iraq from Iran. McCain is looking stroke-ier all the time, and you want to keep patting this empty-headed snakehandler on the head for doing such a darn good job being successy and empowerful while getting what she wants? How mavericky!

No, folks, she’s fucking stupid, and that’s not nearly as cute as some of you seem to think it is.

P.S. TWO MORE DAYS. We’re counting on you to make this the last fucking time we have to hear the Idiot Bobblehead for a long, long time.

All you need to know: Colin Powell brilliantly sums up everything about this election and why he’s splitting with the GOP on this. The man speaks in full sentences. It’s so refreshing.

Also, finally: Believing in Islam isn’t actually a HEINOUS ANTI-AMERICAN CRIME, and if you think it is, you’re the one betraying America, asshole.

There is something so unbelievably adorable about the way Hayden Panettiere (of the dolphin-saving video) says “fuck.”

Awwwwwwwww! She is just so stinkin’ cute!

On a related note, but this one interactive, you must visit palinaspresident.com. See if you can find Katie Couric being waterboarded just outside the Oval Office. Yowch!

Okay, finally: RUDE PUNDIT, WHOEVER YOU ARE, WE LOVE YOU!

“You lost, man, you lost because all the shit you been shoveling into a giant pile has finally tipped over and covered you in turds. I’ll tell you what I’m gonna do. Right here, right now, I’m take out this skull. You see it? You know whose skull it is? It’s Ronald Reagan’s. And now I’m gonna take out my dick and fuck his skull, right in his eyehole where his lying-ass twinkling eyeballs used to be. Watch me fuck the Gipper’s skull, man, watch me turn it into my bony bitch. Damn, that was good fuckin’. And then, once I’m president, I’m gonna get Milton Friedman’s skull and fuck the shit out of that. And I’m gonna get William Rehnquist’s skull and fuck it. And then I’m gonna get William F. Buckley’s skull, even if it’s still got meat on it, and I’m gonna fuck it in the mouth. I’m gonna skull fuck all those people who turned this country into a bullshit version of what it was. Shit, I’m gonna fuck Dick Cheney’s skull while he’s still using it, maybe get Joe Biden to double team it with me, fuckin’ his skull until his poisoned fuckin’ heart explodes.

Thanks, man!

I mean, how much of this shit do we gotta post before the fuckwads will man up and admit it? Look, all you have to say is something like: “Yeah, okay, so really? We fucking hate black people, and that’s why we’re Republicans. We think McCain is going to forget how to tie his shoes before he does anything productive for the economy, but we’d rather have the good ‘ol drooler than an A-rab or a Negro.”

I mean seriously: who actually thinks the Republican “base” is made up of economists or policy experts? You want a civil war? Really? Think real fuckin’ hard about that one, paste-eater.

Okay, so we got this from Feministing, and in their quest to be pro-woman all the time, which is a respectable enough goal, they are none too happy with the totally fucking inevitable:

The box cover reads:

“Cross party lines with your own inflatable running mate!” The political love doll’s suggested uses include: “Blow her up and show her how you’re going to vote,” “Let her pound your gavel over and over,” and “It’s time some male interns caused a scandal in the Capitol.”

Feministing may not find this funny, but we think it’s hilarious. I mean, when you exploit yourself campaign as a hot sexist, what can you expect besides people acting totally sexist? That’s like campaigning as a hatemongering racist and then being surprised when your supporters are hatemongering racis– oh, right, shit.

(Actually, you should really go read Jesus’ General at that last link about hatemongering racist Republicans. It’s pretty awesome.)

After spending the last half hour of a thrilling Friday night scrubbing out the corner of the bathroom that is home to the cat box, I’m finding the idea of John McCain’s $273,000 worth of “household help” even more ludicrous. Do his house slaves wear gold-plated scrub gloves? Does he walk around in his bathrobe attended by a band of personal minstrels? Because you know that fucker ain’t paying more than $6 an hour to his friendly helpful “illegals.”

Wait, let’s do the math:

$6 x 40 hrs per week (what the hell, something like that) = $240
Let’s say 50 wks a year. Just for fun. 2 weeks “vacation” (probably isn’t paid, I mean, c’mon)
$240 x 50 = $12,000 a year. (Try living on THAT, McFuckers. Tax my a-hole.)
$273,000 / 12,000 = 22.75 FTE “household staff positions”

How many fucking people does John McCain need to wipe his ass? Nearly 23 full-time employees?

Shit, I’d scrub the neighbor’s cat box area down for $20. Not McCain’s, though. Should he even be allowed to have animals? I think not.

We took a break from binge drinking so that we might witness at least one civic-y moment in this election with the startling clarity of sobriety.

And that is the last time we will do so.

The new thing I learned about Barack Obama is that he actually wants the American people to understand what’s being done to us. He took the time, and risked Tom Brokaw’s weirdly ragey reminders about time, to address the lies and attacks that the wheezy little corpse threw at him, and he still managed to give cogent, sensible explanations for how the fiscal crisis impacts The Rest Of Us and how energy policy is related to national security. The times that Obama got testy were time times that the crusty little wolf playing a pious little sheep wheezed three tons of lies into the room. Obama didn’t have to make stupid jokes that fell flat. He just had to clear up the bullshit, and he did. He’s a leader and an educator. I like that.

Now, onto making fun of assholes. ONE WOULD THINK, after the internets practically set themselves on fire yesterday with reports of increasingly violent racial slurs at the Klan rallies that comprise McCain-Palin appearances, that Johnny McRage’s handlers would have reminded him to refer to Barack as “Senator Obama” and not “that one“. One would think. Apparently not.

Photoshop break!

“That one” happened about an hour after McCain told a younger black questioner, in his condescending little shriveled-prick voice punctuated with wheezes, that the man “probably [didn't] know who Fannie Mae or Freddie Mac” were. Again, the internets freaked out, as I watched people on Twitter just about tl;dr themselves off a building. From Cenk Uygur’s post at HuffPo:

For me, the more worrisome moment of the debate came when McCain told a young, black questioner, “You’ve probably never heard of Fannie Mae.” We were doing play-by-play of the debate on our website and I shouted out, “Why not? Why wouldn’t he have heard of Fannie Mae?”

Would McCain really have said the same thing to an older, white questioner? It seems unlikely. Of course, it’s nearly impossible to separate out age, race and whatever else is going through McCain’s head at that moment. Can I say definitively that McCain said that because of the person’s race? No, I definitely can’t. But that was a moment for me that was more loaded with racial possibility than his reference to “that one.”

But listen, everyone, it gets better. As The Littlest Troll that Could realized “That One” hadn’t paid McCain’s old veteran whitey ass the proper deference that a little colored boy should, and had fully beat his wheezy ass instead, McCain actually declined to shake Obama’s hand. Don’t believe it? Watch. Also, as one Twitterer noted last night, Cindy McCain was looking shockingly ex-stripper like. Compared to her, Michelle Obama looked downright maternal.

Which is sort of who-cares but sort of awesome, but hey, it’s becoming increasingly clear that McCain-Palin are, no really, giant fucking ass-backwards redneck bigots who are capable of  leading only a pitchfork-toting lynch mob of illiterate, angry white racists to go burn crosses on black families’ lawns.

Wonkette’s commentary on the above video was as follows:

Okay, so here’s a video of the after-debate handshakes between the Walnuts and the Baracks, and Obama, always the grown-up gentleman figure, offers his hand to McCain’s, and he brushes it away and shoves Cindy at him! As Newell summarized McCain’s gesture, ““Here, you want a hand to shake? Shake the cunt’s.” In the clip, Blitzer is all, “Yeah, it’s obvious that McCain has a certain disdain for Obama.”  That’s because McCain is presumptuous and is offended that the young brown whipper-snapper is smarter than him, nicer than him, tougher than him, quicker than him, prettier than him, blacker than him, human-er than him, and more honorable of a man than him.

Then we have our favorite slam dunk of the night:

Obama: Well, you know, Sen. McCain, in the last debate and today, again, suggested that I don’t understand. It’s true. There are some things I don’t understand.

I don’t understand how we ended up invading a country that had nothing to do with 9/11, while Osama Bin Laden and Al Qaeda are setting up base camps and safe havens to train terrorists to attack us.

(transcript courtesy Crooks & Liars)

Realizing this, John & Hooker McCorpse got the hell out of dodge. From Break the Terror:

What?  So apparently you miss things when you don’t watch C-SPAN.  Ken Layne was live-blogging and he has video of that godawfully pissy bitch moment when John McCain said “heh heh heh, and you know who voted for it?  THAT ONE” or whatever, but what’s interesting is his live-blog after the debate was over.  Apparently Cindy & John McCain just fucking tucked tail and ran, while Michelle & Barack Obama stayed around, and it basically turned into a “private party of supporters.”

So, Foxy News types had to come up with some kind of excuse. If you heard any talking heads on any network post-debate, they all mentioned at some point that McCain was supposed to pwn this one because he was the great Mavericky Maverick of the Town Hall Format. Except that Wheezy McWalnuts sucked ass. So get this: the idiots are blaming the format for McCain’s suckage. I’d like to point out that McCain has tried to dodge debates, obviously tried to get formats that he thought favors him, and each time there’s Obama, just coolly waiting, biding his time, saying, “Ready whenever you are, John,” while McCain flaps around and practices his bomb jokes that his handlers can’t get him to quit making. Love it.

Since this is an election all about issues and not personalities, we decided to get in line with the interests of the people and present an informative website about what you need to know.

The short version? JOHN MCCAIN CAUSED THE COLLAPSE OF WALL STREET. And he was too stupid to keep it from happening until after the election. Whoops!

Keating Economics brings you what you need to know about how this whole mess got started, and how McCain was already in trouble for it. I guess John “Kuntry First, Tee-Hee!” McCain just, um, forgot to stop fucking over the American people?

Today, John McCain is the only major party presidential nominee in US history to have been rebuked, censured or otherwise admonished after a Congressional ethics investigation.

WATCH and READ. Maybe Obama and Biden are playing nicey nice on TV, but I’m glad to see they’ll call McCain’s bullshit for what it is online, at least.

With every debate, the Rude Pundit likes to give his version of how Obama or Biden really ought to answer the really asinine, idiot-baiting questions. From today’s would-be transcript, we get what Obama’s answer to that Bill Ayers bullshit should be. Some highlights:

“Oh, fuck me, really? Okay, fine. You want me to talk about this shit? Here ya go: he’s a dude on my street who held a coffee get-together for me years ago when I was gonna run to be the state senator of his ‘hood. And we served at the same time on the board of the Woods Fund. You know what the Woods Fund does? It tries to help community organizers in Chicago get shit done for the poor, you know, like education, housing, and jobs. Now, Sarah Palin may think that community organizers don’t do jack shit, but we did the work the government wouldn’t or couldn’t do. So, yeah, Ayers was there. But ‘pal around’ with him? Motherfucker, we followed Robert’s Rules of Order together. Maybe for people who scream at and abuse their friends that counts as being ‘pals,’ but for most of us, it ain’t even an ‘acquaintance.’ Dude, Johnny, you signed a confession that degraded America when you were over in ‘Nam. And I’m the traitor?

“So you can have your Muppet-sounding idiot VP bitch out there in front of crowds, talkin’ smack about me and gettin’ people to yell, ‘Kill him,’ and you can try to convince everyone I’m a terrorist. …But you know and I know that you’re desperate. Motherfucker, you tied yourself to Reagan and Bush and now that ideology is sinkin’ like cement shoes on a mob snitch. Drown, motherfucker, drown.

“And you’re in the shit now. ‘Cause I’ve been waitin’ for this moment, you fuckin’ senile old fuck. I was waitin’ until I could see the whites of your twitchy fuckin’ eyes to pull the trigger on the Keating Gatling gun I’ve been holdin’. You wanted to take the gloves off. Then why are your hands shakin’, bitch? You can send your people out there to say that you were cleared, but the name sticks, doesn’t it? ‘Keating Five’? I wasn’t gonna go there, but you teed up the ball. I just swung the fuckin’ club. Now, lemme ask you somethin’. What’s more important - that some guy who did some shit four decades ago once said, ‘Hi’ to me or that you are one of the reasons that the federal government had to bail out the savings and loan industry? Moral equivalence doesn’t work, does it, Johnny Mac?

Read the rest of the rudeness here.

In addition to Palin’s flowchart, she had a little extra help to get her through the debate, oh yeah, you know what kind I’m talkin’ about, the kind that comes from GOD, glory be. Palin’s fellow congregants at the Church of Jesus Loves US Best Crossroads Church didn’t cheer on their woman while watching the debate. Nuh-uh. They had the TV off to prevent the distraction from interfering with their intercessory prayer, which included speaking in tongues.

This is the woman some would have one heartbeat away from the presidency. Look, I’m all for religious freedom, but the kind of fundamentalism Palin believes in and represents does NOT. They believe in religious freedom for themselves, because everyone else is wrong. A vote for McCain/Palin is a vote for potential theocracy.