THEN HOW YOU GONNA FIND OSAMA BIN LADEN?

Seriously. This is ridiculous. It’s time to admit she’s a big silly joke meant to put women in their place and move on. There really is no use defending her because you think it’s sexist to attack her. Uh, she probably can’t even find your state on a map. I’m pretty damn sure she can’t tell Iraq from Iran. McCain is looking stroke-ier all the time, and you want to keep patting this empty-headed snakehandler on the head for doing such a darn good job being successy and empowerful while getting what she wants? How mavericky!

No, folks, she’s fucking stupid, and that’s not nearly as cute as some of you seem to think it is.

P.S. TWO MORE DAYS. We’re counting on you to make this the last fucking time we have to hear the Idiot Bobblehead for a long, long time.

Okay, so we got this from Feministing, and in their quest to be pro-woman all the time, which is a respectable enough goal, they are none too happy with the totally fucking inevitable:

The box cover reads:

“Cross party lines with your own inflatable running mate!” The political love doll’s suggested uses include: “Blow her up and show her how you’re going to vote,” “Let her pound your gavel over and over,” and “It’s time some male interns caused a scandal in the Capitol.”

Feministing may not find this funny, but we think it’s hilarious. I mean, when you exploit yourself campaign as a hot sexist, what can you expect besides people acting totally sexist? That’s like campaigning as a hatemongering racist and then being surprised when your supporters are hatemongering racis– oh, right, shit.

(Actually, you should really go read Jesus’ General at that last link about hatemongering racist Republicans. It’s pretty awesome.)

After spending the last half hour of a thrilling Friday night scrubbing out the corner of the bathroom that is home to the cat box, I’m finding the idea of John McCain’s $273,000 worth of “household help” even more ludicrous. Do his house slaves wear gold-plated scrub gloves? Does he walk around in his bathrobe attended by a band of personal minstrels? Because you know that fucker ain’t paying more than $6 an hour to his friendly helpful “illegals.”

Wait, let’s do the math:

$6 x 40 hrs per week (what the hell, something like that) = $240
Let’s say 50 wks a year. Just for fun. 2 weeks “vacation” (probably isn’t paid, I mean, c’mon)
$240 x 50 = $12,000 a year. (Try living on THAT, McFuckers. Tax my a-hole.)
$273,000 / 12,000 = 22.75 FTE “household staff positions”

How many fucking people does John McCain need to wipe his ass? Nearly 23 full-time employees?

Shit, I’d scrub the neighbor’s cat box area down for $20. Not McCain’s, though. Should he even be allowed to have animals? I think not.

Bristol turns 18 on October 18 — will her marriage to Levi follow a few days after? It would make for a lovely October surprise for the Republicans, a blatant bid to distract middle America with a high-profile wedding a few weeks before the election.

Check out this article, which says there may well indeed be plans to do exactly that.

Inside John McCain’s campaign the expectation is growing that there will be a popularity boosting pre-election wedding in Alaska between Bristol Palin, 17, and Levi Johnston, 18, her schoolmate and father of her baby. “It would be fantastic,” said a McCain insider. “You would have every TV camera there. The entire country would be watching. It would shut down the race for a week.”

It wouldn’t surprise me if the bastards do exploit Bristol’s situation for their political gain, but then nothing surprises me anymore.

She can’t even make a coherent sentence when she’s talking about stuff she’s supposed to know about.

If you had any doubt, this shows her dedication that the war is “a task from God.”

Part II of the same video:

Let’s give the Lord a hand, ya’ll! WOO! Alaska is a refuge for Christians because this is the End of Days! It’s Armageddon!

Cool. Let ‘em all go to Alaska. Then they’re nice & tidily out of the way.

BOZEMAN, Mont. – Tom Anderson, a lifelong hunting enthusiast, has changed his political allegiance from Palin to Obama. He claims that his original support for the GOP ticket has waned following his recovery from a two-week drinking binge.

“I don’t know, man, I saw this MILF with a shotgun and I thought to myself, ‘Now there’s a party platform if I’ve ever seen one.’ But the other day I realized, you know? This Palin chick isn’t that hot. I don’t get what everyone sees in her.”

Anderson said that he has encountered some hardship in his taxidermy business, and names economic stress as the reason for his extended drinking session. “It just so happened that me and my buddies were basically camped out at our bar right when this Palin chick got nominated. So we started a drinking game for every time we saw her on TV. You know how things go. One thing led to another, and before long I declared I’d vote for her.”

When asked what prompted that declaration, Anderson said, “I swear I don’t remember anything. Honestly, I feel a little taken advantage of. I know it’s not manly to say so, but I feel kind of violated, as a fellow hunter, and as an American. You don’t shoot at the guy wearing blaze orange, you know?”

Anderson said that the hangover from such a long period of intoxication was worsened by the realization of his grave error in judgment. “The more soberer I got, I had to face the reality that I’d been drooling like a buffalo in heat over a woman who looks way too much like my mom. That’s downright creepy, if you ask me.”

The Palin campaign could not be reached for comment as to whether they had made ungentlemanly advances toward Anderson in his compromised state.

“Ultimately, facts is facts. Beer goggles might be fine for a wild night, but they’re no good for politics,” Anderson concluded. “I guess it’s kind of stupid to vote for a ticket because of the vice president’s hotness, anyway.”

Hope Bristol’s thought process is a little different.

via Nina Westerberg

We miss you, David Foster Wallace, but we don’t blame you.

When you’re a writer, you try to get at the soul of the thing. To see it for what it is. To know it, and then to describe it so others can see it. David Foster Wallace did just that.

When you’re a fundie, a neocon, or a McCain/Palin supporter, you want to destroy that which you don’t understand. You want to erase it, keep anyone else from seeing it, and eliminate it before it has the chance to challenge your authority.

With the Republicans doing everything they can to not merely kill democracy but to eradicate even the memory of it, all of us on the side of truth, justice and freedom should be wary. The vampires are out in force, and they want to suck out your soul.

Sarah Palin and John McCain, along with the rest of the fundie warmongering Right, are trying to kill you. They’re trying really, really hard. Make no mistake: their strategy is to kill you from the inside out. They stomp on your dreams, they ridicule your ambitions, and finally they steal from you the means to support yourself. They shame you for your vision and ensure that you can’t do anything about it by making your basic needs (housing, food, health care) increasingly unaffordable luxuries.

The only thing they want you to do is to churn out babies for them to feed to the war machines, so that they and their friends can make more money.

Anyone trying to look deeply at humanity and understand what’s happening to the world right now runs the very real risk of overwhelming despair. To attempt to understand - rather than to destroy - the many Americans who support lying, cowardly, religious terrorists is a project that puts you in the path of hopelessness. We don’t find it surprising at all that this moment, the Sarah Palin moment, is the same one in which one of our brightest writers found this world no longer bearable.

To you, the survivors of the terrorists’ campaign of hopelessness, and to America and the world, we wish patience, hope, and perseverance through this dark time. May you endure with grace and peace.

Yet more confirmation that “Values Voters” value hatred above all else:

At forum, waffles lampoon Obama with racial stereotype

People at a conservative political forum snapped up boxes of waffle mix depicting Democratic presidential candidate Barack Obama as a racial stereotype on its front and wearing Arablike headdress on its top flap.

By JOAN LOWY

The Associated Press

WASHINGTON — People at a conservative political forum snapped up boxes of waffle mix depicting Democratic presidential candidate Barack Obama as a racial stereotype on its front and wearing Arablike headdress on its top flap.

Values Voter Summit organizers cut off sales of Obama Waffles boxes on Saturday, saying they had not realized the boxes displayed “offensive material.” The summit and the exhibit hall where the boxes were sold had been open since Thursday.

The box was meant as political satire, said Mark Whitlock and Bob DeMoss, two writers from Franklin, Tenn., who created the mix.

They sold it for $10 a box from a rented booth at the summit sponsored by the lobbying arm of the Family Research Council.

Why stop at harassing and abusing women when you can revive Jim Crow? Hey, how bout some political satire involving funny nooses? That’s what being “pro-life” is all about, right? Thanks, Family Research Council, for once again revealing your true mission: an all-white, all-Christian country run only by men with a few hot moms around for eye candy.

So much for “liberal media bias.” You just can’t make this stuff up.

(Via Seattle Times.)

This week’s edition:
“Fundies Say The Darndest Things!”

Pro-Life Family Values at work in Iraq

Thanks, Crazy Fundie Right, for making our first week on the web so successful! As a gesture of our gratitude, we’d like to give the proverbial shout-out to our most rabid, foaming-at-the-mouth readers. Let’s see what the followers of Jesus had to say for themselves:

You people are DISGUSTING. We’re talking about a BABY HUMAN here, not a “fetus”. Way to depersonalize a BABY. You’re going to burn in hell for this.

-Ilive4him

You have only God to answer to…. and it won’t be pretty!!!

-Angel (oooh, that’s rich! She must be the Pro-Life Angel of Death!)

When are you gonna learn? See, this whole hell thing? It’s not actually scary to people who think it’s made up to force people into submission to political authorities. (See, Bush I, Bush II)

You are a sick sick group of people! Abortion is not a joke or something to make fun of! I will be praying that your hearts are softened and that you are awakened to the truth!

-becky

Regardless of your political position, this is just plain tacky. If you don’t like Palin and want to crack jokes about her, then that’s your thing. But it’s awfully low to make hateful jokes about someone’s unborn baby. It’s a testament to your personal character. You can do better than this (hopefully).

-Seriously

Contrary to popular belief, feminists DO have a sense of humor. As with everything else about feminism, you just don’t get it.

We’ll take this moment to feature our favorite commenter, True Patriet (sic):

Yeah u are tacky as hell! Leave it to libtards like you not to respect life and a women’s right to do whatever she wants! I mean how would that babby feel if he found this sight and read your crap? U are lucky I don’t see you in the street because I would blow you’re fucken traiter head off with my Colt 1911!!!

How DARE you make make a great man liek Jonh MacCain look like he is from Homosexico!!!1! I feel sorry for you faggets you are going to have to answer to Jesus for this!!!

AMERICA FUCK YEAH!

-You guessed it: True Patriet

And another on the truly psychotic tip, one who (we think?) was trying to agree with us:

HA HA HA Abort It All The Way. Its the SICK RELIGIOUS BASTARDS WHO FORCE THEIR VIEWS ON PEOPLE WHEN THEY SHOULD SHUT THE FUCK UP AND KEEP THEIR VIEWS TO THEMSELVES….REPEAT ABORT THE MONSTER!!!!!!!!!!!!!

-Fuck Palin In the Arse

While we want nothing less than to be anywhere near Sarah Palin’s arse, we’d just like to point out here that all we want is for Bristol - as with every woman in her position - to have her choice. We sure hope Bristol wanted this baby real bad, because if she didn’t, we really don’t see any way she could have possibly chosen not to have it. And that’s our point. You can’t congratulate her on her “choice” if it was never a real choice to begin with.

Kelly, the I’m-new-to-trolling commenter, writes:

I have to tell you that I love your website! It gives me comic relief everyday. I give you credit for publishing all of your hate mail! Do you really think that Biden is so fucking smart? Honestly? Also do you really believe that Obabma (sic) is sooo qualified with his years of experience as a junior senator- oh and community organizer- or do you just hate Bush so much that you think those dinks are so great? Just wondering?

We’re not going to speak for everyone here, but we will say that we’re pretty confident Biden knows what the Bush Doctrine is. And that makes him automatically less stupid than Sarah “Huh?” Palin.

Kelly continues in another post:

That’s funny you bring up race because more African-American women have abortions than any other race by percentage. Maybe you should worry about about all of the black women who are literally wiping out a huge number of their own children.

That’s funny because most African-American women live in urban areas in states where getting an abortion doesn’t involve leaping through bomb-wearing screeching packs of psycho snake-handling protesters. For instance, the Af-Am populations of North Dakota and Kansas? Pretty damn small. But you were implying that more black women have abortions because they’re clearly the cursed Daughters of Ham, weren’t you? You sick racist fuck, you.

Now we get down to the meaty business.

But it’s far easier and more fun to just make shit up and throw it around like it’s the truth!

-Mad Dog Lauren, #1 Commenter

Three red herrings in the article….

Firstly, we’re not fighting Islamic terrorists because they don’t believe in Jesus. There are lots of non-Christians around the world, and we’re not attacking them. We fight the Islamic terrorists because they want to kill us.

Secondly, we’re not pro-life because we have some bizarre attachment to pregnancies. We’re pro-life because we believe that people should not kill other (smaller) people simply because their existence is inconvenient. Pro-choicers typically miss this point, so I’m not surprised that you also missed it. Nonetheless, missing this point means that you have completely misunderstood pro-lifers, so I thought I’d try to give you a clue.

Thirdly, as Lauren pointed out, there is no actual proof that Bristol Palin is being forced or coerced in any way. Unless you can find such proof, the entire point of this website is rather silly. If you want to call attention to sexual slavery, child brides, and other serious issues … this is a very poor way of doing it. Sadly, it seems that your real point is simply to provide another example of the Angry Left in action….

-Naaman

First of all, we’re happy your Bible College learned you good about them “librul” logic-tricks like “red herrings.” But that doesn’t mean you’re any less full of shit.

Proof? Truth? WOW, you guys really wanna take it there? Because when we think of “making shit up and throwing it around like it’s the truth” we think of things like, oh, I don’t know, WMDs and this COMPLETELY BULLSHIT WAR we’re now stuck up to our eyeballs in. For which none of you rabid fundie fuckers have YET had the moral courage to step up and take some responsibility. You wanted these assholes in office? Now look what they’ve done. We blame YOU, your lies, your voter fraud, your scandalous single-issue support of war criminals and the Halliburtons making a profit off of body count. Look, we get that you think that a fertilized egg is more important than any living, breathing person with a name and an address. We have our suspicions as to why, but whatevs. What we don’t get is how your fetus worship justifies you in slaughtering not only uncounted civilians all over Iraq and Afghanistan but also the thousands and thousands of American soldiers you managed to brainwash into thinking this war was about terrorists and not the control of an oil-producing country.

You’re not fighting Islamic terrorists because YOU CAN’T FIND THEM. No, you’re only fighting, by fact of history, primarily Islam-practicing countries that have OIL. And you’re blowing up brides and their families in Afghanistan because why? All them turban-heads look alike? So much for the sanctity of marriage. Ooops?

Also, if Al-qaeda were actually able to send enough people on expensive and undetected plane rides to come get you and your pretty white Christian family in whatever centrally-located and completely insulated, land-locked town you live in, I’m pretty sure that you’d be exercising those favorite 2nd amendment rights of yours and blasting the shit out of those intruders just for being on your homeland. Iraqis, on the other hand, have been living the nightmare you love to cultivate: their entire nation has been unjustly occupied by our military forces under false pretenses. Expecting Iraqis to do anything other than fight back with roadside bombs and anything else at their disposal is pretty much the stupidest and most disingenuous argument we’ve ever heard. Most Muslims in the Middle East and Central Asia probably didn’t give much of a shit about Americans until we went and FUCKED EVERYTHING UP. And yes, if they didn’t hate us before, they sure as hell do now. That one’s on you assholes - not us. We, along with the rest of America, are still awaiting your apology.

Which brings us to Naaman’s second point. “We’re pro-life because we believe that people should not kill other (smaller) people simply because their existence is inconvenient. ”

We can’t even believe you have the audacity to make such a statement. Some Iraqis are getting in the way of OUR OIL! Quick! LEVEL THE COUNTRY! After three - I mean, four - oh, waita second - FIVE YEARS of a bullshit war in which YOUR MACHO AMERKIN GUYS declared victory but need still MORE troops to fight it, you dirty scumbags would actually continue the charade that you’re “pro-life.”

You know what? Fuck you. It’s time for you fundies to admit that you allowed this bullshit to happen, that you continue supporting it anyway because you don’t have the - excuse us, balls - to admit your stupidity, and that you are dead, dead wrong. Any claim you had to being in favor of life over death has already been buried along with 4,093 American soldiers. By contrast, the total number of Americans killed in the 9/11 attacks comes to 2,819. The Bush Administration’s lies - communicated and perpetuated by you - have resulted in far more American deaths than the Al-qaeda attacks of seven years ago did. Is that “Country First?” Is that “honor?” Fuck you, liars.

And for these reasons, hell yes, we’re the angry left. We’re angry at you, because you are the ones to blame. You’re the ones who sit on your pious asses and cling to lies because they make you feel like you have company in your failure. You’ve been so busy trying to be right that you’ve lost any sense of how to do good. You’ll harm anyone, anywhere; you’ll destroy anything and anyone, just so you can continue being some fucked-up version of “pure.” This is what Obama’s snarky comment about “clinging to religion and guns” was about. It wasn’t about small towns. It was about you pigs bastardizing what could have been a respectable religion in order to weakly save face because you’re too cowardly to do any actual good.

What this shows is that you’re terrified of people who don’t need to cling to a set of rules in order to know how to do good. You’re too scared to come clean, so you find ever-more convoluted (and despicable) ways to blame God - who somehow agrees only with you - for your pitiful mistakes. You identify with Sarah Palin not because she’s strong, but because she makes you feel OK with your abominable failure. She voices your resentment of people (like community organizers) who have actually worked for good. You, on the other hand, sit in your nearly-foreclosed upon tract home, still desperately working out ways to bend logic to make your broke ass be right. You’d rather get financially reamed and sell out your children’s future than admit you have really, really fucked this one up. It’s simply too scary for you to admit that you’ve been had by a bunch of mindbendingly wealthy elites who claim to be “just like you” and pretend to share your beliefs while they’ve sold your jobs to India and your debt to China. And it’s just too enraging for you to comprehend the freedom of women who didn’t turn over and take it from their Bible-wielding rapists, so you do everything you can to steal women’s freedom to choose, too.

You people lost big time. Only you’ve taken the rest of us down with you. And for that, we’re willing to do what the national-stage Democrats haven’t: we’re willing to name you, loud and clear, as the single most heinous terrorist threat to whatever good there is left in America.