September 9, 2008: Bristol Palin’s fetus has granted our interview request. We are the ONLY media outlet to be granted an interview. We are SPECIAL. Earlier this morning, we sat down with Bristol Palin’s fetus and were able to ask some tough questions. We bring you the EXCLUSIVE transcript of the ONLY interview with Fetus Palin.

Free Bristol Palin: I think the question we’d all love to ask is: Who would you vote for, if you were able, on Nov. 4?

Fetus Palin: Ron Paul. Throw-away protest vote all the way.

FBP: Really?

Fetus: Or I’d write in Matthew Shepard. Not to put too fine a point on it or anything.

FBP: Were you anticipating your grandmother’s nomination?

Fetus: No way. I had no idea. I mean, why her? She’s a mess. Everything she touches turns to scandal. She can’t even fire people without fucking up. She’s a worse choice than Lieberman was. She lies so fast even she can’t keep track of all her BS. It could work out for me, though. It probably means I won’t have to mess with her during my most formative years of cognitive and emotional development.

FBP: So what is it like to surpass all other celebrity fetuses in terms of media coverage?

Fetus: It’s been tough, I’m not going to lie. It’s not really my choice, you know, but at this stage, nothing really is. I’m gestating and that’s about all I can handle.

FBP: There’s been a lot of talk during this campaign, and certainly after the discovery of your existence, about choice. Reproductive choice, marriage choice, family choice. What’s your take on choice?

Fetus: ‘Choice’ is nothing but a fucking cliché. In this family? Are you kidding? Let me clear some shit up here, okay? Everybody makes a big deal out of the fetus. Like we’re some magical Jesusy icon of purity and blessing instead of a half-baked bag of zygotal accident. I’ll be straight with you: I want nothing to do with being born. You start asking a fetus whether it wants to get born, and I’m telling you half of us will tell you we want nothing to do with our parents’ clusterfucks. This is no exception. Seriously. Has anyone come up with a teleabortion? Zap that my way, please! But like I said, I get no choice. I’m talking to Suri Cruise about working on a memoir together. She got a pretty raw deal too, so hey, maybe we can make something out of this.

FBP: What do you think of Bristol and Levi’s wedding?

Fetus: Well, it’s sort of a lose-lose situation. Either they throw together something undignified in a hurry with a cake decorated with hockey sticks, and Mom’s gotta wear some huge preggo dress, or they wait until I’m born and then they dress me up in some stupid angely flower costume. I’d prefer to be well hidden in the amniotic sac when that circus goes down, but then again, Mom’s life already sucks so much she ought to be able to have one princessy day where she doesn’t feel like a humpback whale among child brides.

FBP: Any speculation about what your name might be?

Fetus: No, they’re keeping all that secret even from me. If they follow family tradition and name me something stupid like “Adapter” or “Trenchcoat” or “Permanent Press” I’m going to be fucking pissed. Give me at least a chance at later anonymity, you know?

FBP: As we’ve all seen, Levi stated on his MySpace page that he didn’t want kids. How does that affect you?

Fetus: I don’t want him to be my father either. I mean, what kind of jerk slips one past the goalie with a girl who doesn’t even know what sex is? Did he tell her the baby grows in your stomach so you can only get pregnant from oral? They all think science comes from the devil so I wouldn’t be surprised if she’s unaware that I don’t actually reside within her digestive track. He’s an ass. And took one too many pucks to the head, I’d guess.

FBP: What did you think about the initial rumors that Sarah’s baby, Trig, your uncle, was actually Bristol’s?

Fetus: Well, I figured if anyone was going to bend the laws of science to out-breed the Duggars, it’d be the Palins, but obviously I was at least a little skeptical. Frankly, I was just happy Dick Cheney had nothing to do with my conception. I’m a little unclear on Trig’s paternity, though, to be honest.

FBP: We promised we’d keep this short so we’ll let you go back to, um, gestating.

Fetus: Yeah, I appreciate that, thanks. Keep up the good work.

FBP: We’ll do that. Thank you for your time.