There is something so unbelievably adorable about the way Hayden Panettiere (of the dolphin-saving video) says “fuck.”

Awwwwwwwww! She is just so stinkin’ cute!

On a related note, but this one interactive, you must visit palinaspresident.com. See if you can find Katie Couric being waterboarded just outside the Oval Office. Yowch!

Okay, finally: RUDE PUNDIT, WHOEVER YOU ARE, WE LOVE YOU!

“You lost, man, you lost because all the shit you been shoveling into a giant pile has finally tipped over and covered you in turds. I’ll tell you what I’m gonna do. Right here, right now, I’m take out this skull. You see it? You know whose skull it is? It’s Ronald Reagan’s. And now I’m gonna take out my dick and fuck his skull, right in his eyehole where his lying-ass twinkling eyeballs used to be. Watch me fuck the Gipper’s skull, man, watch me turn it into my bony bitch. Damn, that was good fuckin’. And then, once I’m president, I’m gonna get Milton Friedman’s skull and fuck the shit out of that. And I’m gonna get William Rehnquist’s skull and fuck it. And then I’m gonna get William F. Buckley’s skull, even if it’s still got meat on it, and I’m gonna fuck it in the mouth. I’m gonna skull fuck all those people who turned this country into a bullshit version of what it was. Shit, I’m gonna fuck Dick Cheney’s skull while he’s still using it, maybe get Joe Biden to double team it with me, fuckin’ his skull until his poisoned fuckin’ heart explodes.

Thanks, man!

After spending the last half hour of a thrilling Friday night scrubbing out the corner of the bathroom that is home to the cat box, I’m finding the idea of John McCain’s $273,000 worth of “household help” even more ludicrous. Do his house slaves wear gold-plated scrub gloves? Does he walk around in his bathrobe attended by a band of personal minstrels? Because you know that fucker ain’t paying more than $6 an hour to his friendly helpful “illegals.”

Wait, let’s do the math:

$6 x 40 hrs per week (what the hell, something like that) = $240
Let’s say 50 wks a year. Just for fun. 2 weeks “vacation” (probably isn’t paid, I mean, c’mon)
$240 x 50 = $12,000 a year. (Try living on THAT, McFuckers. Tax my a-hole.)
$273,000 / 12,000 = 22.75 FTE “household staff positions”

How many fucking people does John McCain need to wipe his ass? Nearly 23 full-time employees?

Shit, I’d scrub the neighbor’s cat box area down for $20. Not McCain’s, though. Should he even be allowed to have animals? I think not.

We took a break from binge drinking so that we might witness at least one civic-y moment in this election with the startling clarity of sobriety.

And that is the last time we will do so.

The new thing I learned about Barack Obama is that he actually wants the American people to understand what’s being done to us. He took the time, and risked Tom Brokaw’s weirdly ragey reminders about time, to address the lies and attacks that the wheezy little corpse threw at him, and he still managed to give cogent, sensible explanations for how the fiscal crisis impacts The Rest Of Us and how energy policy is related to national security. The times that Obama got testy were time times that the crusty little wolf playing a pious little sheep wheezed three tons of lies into the room. Obama didn’t have to make stupid jokes that fell flat. He just had to clear up the bullshit, and he did. He’s a leader and an educator. I like that.

Now, onto making fun of assholes. ONE WOULD THINK, after the internets practically set themselves on fire yesterday with reports of increasingly violent racial slurs at the Klan rallies that comprise McCain-Palin appearances, that Johnny McRage’s handlers would have reminded him to refer to Barack as “Senator Obama” and not “that one“. One would think. Apparently not.

Photoshop break!

“That one” happened about an hour after McCain told a younger black questioner, in his condescending little shriveled-prick voice punctuated with wheezes, that the man “probably [didn't] know who Fannie Mae or Freddie Mac” were. Again, the internets freaked out, as I watched people on Twitter just about tl;dr themselves off a building. From Cenk Uygur’s post at HuffPo:

For me, the more worrisome moment of the debate came when McCain told a young, black questioner, “You’ve probably never heard of Fannie Mae.” We were doing play-by-play of the debate on our website and I shouted out, “Why not? Why wouldn’t he have heard of Fannie Mae?”

Would McCain really have said the same thing to an older, white questioner? It seems unlikely. Of course, it’s nearly impossible to separate out age, race and whatever else is going through McCain’s head at that moment. Can I say definitively that McCain said that because of the person’s race? No, I definitely can’t. But that was a moment for me that was more loaded with racial possibility than his reference to “that one.”

But listen, everyone, it gets better. As The Littlest Troll that Could realized “That One” hadn’t paid McCain’s old veteran whitey ass the proper deference that a little colored boy should, and had fully beat his wheezy ass instead, McCain actually declined to shake Obama’s hand. Don’t believe it? Watch. Also, as one Twitterer noted last night, Cindy McCain was looking shockingly ex-stripper like. Compared to her, Michelle Obama looked downright maternal.

Which is sort of who-cares but sort of awesome, but hey, it’s becoming increasingly clear that McCain-Palin are, no really, giant fucking ass-backwards redneck bigots who are capable of  leading only a pitchfork-toting lynch mob of illiterate, angry white racists to go burn crosses on black families’ lawns.

Wonkette’s commentary on the above video was as follows:

Okay, so here’s a video of the after-debate handshakes between the Walnuts and the Baracks, and Obama, always the grown-up gentleman figure, offers his hand to McCain’s, and he brushes it away and shoves Cindy at him! As Newell summarized McCain’s gesture, ““Here, you want a hand to shake? Shake the cunt’s.” In the clip, Blitzer is all, “Yeah, it’s obvious that McCain has a certain disdain for Obama.”  That’s because McCain is presumptuous and is offended that the young brown whipper-snapper is smarter than him, nicer than him, tougher than him, quicker than him, prettier than him, blacker than him, human-er than him, and more honorable of a man than him.

Then we have our favorite slam dunk of the night:

Obama: Well, you know, Sen. McCain, in the last debate and today, again, suggested that I don’t understand. It’s true. There are some things I don’t understand.

I don’t understand how we ended up invading a country that had nothing to do with 9/11, while Osama Bin Laden and Al Qaeda are setting up base camps and safe havens to train terrorists to attack us.

(transcript courtesy Crooks & Liars)

Realizing this, John & Hooker McCorpse got the hell out of dodge. From Break the Terror:

What?  So apparently you miss things when you don’t watch C-SPAN.  Ken Layne was live-blogging and he has video of that godawfully pissy bitch moment when John McCain said “heh heh heh, and you know who voted for it?  THAT ONE” or whatever, but what’s interesting is his live-blog after the debate was over.  Apparently Cindy & John McCain just fucking tucked tail and ran, while Michelle & Barack Obama stayed around, and it basically turned into a “private party of supporters.”

So, Foxy News types had to come up with some kind of excuse. If you heard any talking heads on any network post-debate, they all mentioned at some point that McCain was supposed to pwn this one because he was the great Mavericky Maverick of the Town Hall Format. Except that Wheezy McWalnuts sucked ass. So get this: the idiots are blaming the format for McCain’s suckage. I’d like to point out that McCain has tried to dodge debates, obviously tried to get formats that he thought favors him, and each time there’s Obama, just coolly waiting, biding his time, saying, “Ready whenever you are, John,” while McCain flaps around and practices his bomb jokes that his handlers can’t get him to quit making. Love it.

Since this is an election all about issues and not personalities, we decided to get in line with the interests of the people and present an informative website about what you need to know.

The short version? JOHN MCCAIN CAUSED THE COLLAPSE OF WALL STREET. And he was too stupid to keep it from happening until after the election. Whoops!

Keating Economics brings you what you need to know about how this whole mess got started, and how McCain was already in trouble for it. I guess John “Kuntry First, Tee-Hee!” McCain just, um, forgot to stop fucking over the American people?

Today, John McCain is the only major party presidential nominee in US history to have been rebuked, censured or otherwise admonished after a Congressional ethics investigation.

WATCH and READ. Maybe Obama and Biden are playing nicey nice on TV, but I’m glad to see they’ll call McCain’s bullshit for what it is online, at least.

…or does she think she’s in another beauty pageant? For that matter, do Republicans know the difference? Perhaps taking Amy Poehler’s suggestion to “grow a pair,” a few media makers are starting to get a little sassy with the Queen Bee. From CNN’s Campbell Brown, we have some commentary:

Frankly I have had it, and I know a lot of other women out there who are with me on this. I have had enough of the sexist treatment of Sarah Palin. It has to end.

I call upon the McCain campaign to stop treating Sarah Palin like she is a delicate flower who will wilt at any moment.

Brown then goes on to cry “Free Sarah Palin,” but frankly, we’d still rather see her in jail for the hate crimes she committed in Alaska.

What’s the difference between a candidate and his call girl? You guessed it: Lipstick.

So much for the sanctity of marriage! Chicago Sun-Times columnist Mary Mitchell brings us this:

Carol, McCain’s first wife, wasn’t even a comma in the video presentation about McCain’s life that was shown to millions of viewers during the Republican convention.

But it was Carol who was left behind to take care of the couple’s three children while McCain served his country.

And it was Carol who stuck with McCain during his long incarceration in a Vietnam prison camp.

If McCain is a war hero, then Carol is a war heroine.

Yet she was written off when McCain fell in love with a younger woman.

When McCain returned from Vietnam, he discovered that his wife, a former swimsuit model, had been seriously injured in an automobile accident.

And he dumped her for Cindy McCain, the wealthy heiress (like Paris Hilton!) 17 years his junior. With whom he ran off just about immediately after coming home to discover his wife not the picture-perfect beauty she had been before.

Why does this matter? Two reasons. First, as one commenter on the original article noted, anyone who helps blow the long gaseous stream of nonsense about morality and marriage better be playing by the rules he’s trying to enforce. If gays violate holy matrimony “between one man and one woman,” certainly divorce does also. He’s divorced! Throw him in jail! What? Oh, right, because when rich Republicans do it, it must be okay.

Secondly, if you’re going to go on and on about the horrors and torture of being a prisoner of war - even though you’re a confessed war criminal who, under the stress, renounced his country - then let’s not ignore the fact that Carol went through her own torture. She had twenty-three surgeries, spent six months in the hospital, walks with a limp, and is five inches shorter than she was before her accident. Nevertheless, she doesn’t blame the fact John McCain dumped her on her accident.

“My marriage ended because John McCain didn’t want to be 40; he wanted to be 25. You know that happens . . . it just does,” she said.

No biggie. Shit happens, right? We’re glad that Carol doesn’t harbor bitterness, for her sake. But how the hell does John McCain expect anyone to take him seriously when he’s windbagging on about morality and marriage? Sometimes you just need a younger, richer, hotter bitch to fuck. It’s totally understandable! Except when it isn’t. Except when it means dumping your crippled wife and sticking her with the childrearing of your three children. Except when it’s not about a couple finding themselves unable to reconcile their differences, but about an entitled, arrogant bastard thinking he’s above rules, above laws, above even common decency.

This guy is supposed to be so honorable - I’m still waiting to hear what it is that makes him so honorable. And no, as McCain himself observed, dumping napalm on women and children does not a hero make, even if you put a dress uniform on it.

Q. Why can’t McCain type?
A. Because he was a POW!!! ZOMG! HOW DARE YOU ASK!
Q. Really? It’s not because he’s had a woman around to do his “woman’s work” his entire life - including now?

Q. Why would McCain suggest his wife be in a topless beauty contest?
A. Because he was a POW!!!! You liberals are BAAAAAAD!
Q. Um? Sexism? Hello? Anyone?

Q. Why is McCain so afraid of gay marriage?
A. Because he was a POW!!! and OMG teh gayz make da battlefield all ICKY!!11!!
Q. What are you even talking about?
A. McCAIN WAS A POW!!!!!!! WE CAN’T TALK ABOUT ISSUES SO WE’LL KEEP REPEATING OURSELVES!

Don’t let the morons continue to beat this dead horse. Put McCain out to pasture.

This is too good to pass up.

Jesus Christ quits Christianity after viewing Republican platform

For years, Jesus Christ had kept quiet while his “followers” had killed and committed horrendous acts of intolerance in his name. They were the “birth pangs” of a new religion, his surrogates would say. One day he would be accepted by all as a liberator.